ANEW: Endless Winter and the Choices We Make

Navigating caregiving through life’s storm

Photo by Zac Durant on Unsplash

Although snowfall totals may not fully capture the experience, it has snowed at least three to four days per week over the past several weeks in Manchester, New Hampshire. Slippery conditions and wintry weather have become the norm. Enduring this relentless weather is no small feat, especially for older adults living alone. These are the times when neighbors must look out for each other, ensuring that the elderly and those who have been out of sight are safe and well.

As someone new to this community, I make it a habit to walk through my neighborhood about once a week. Partly to familiarize myself with the area and partly to be of any help, going to different streets off the beaten paths. Often, the help needed exceeds what I can offer—sometimes an ambulance or a tow truck is required. Still, lending a hand where I can is important at a time when even walking outside can feel treacherous.

This all brings to mind my mother, who is now in the later stages of dementia. When her memory first started to fade, my brother and I faced pressure from her closest friends to "do something." But legally, unless an individual is deemed completely incapacitated by hospitalization, a fall, or a doctor's authorization, there is often little that family members can do. If you have been through this or are approaching it, you know how overwhelming it can be. If you are caregiving alone, it may be one of the most stressful times of your life. It can feel as relentless as the snow that keeps falling outside my window.

My brother, who lives 4.5 hours by car from our mother, and I, who live 15.5 hours away by car, struggled with knowing when and how to step in. Each state has clear laws regarding elder care, and navigating them often requires social workers, lawyers, and even judges. Doctors, for the most part, prefer not to get involved in the legal issues that arise within families. Ensuring an elderly loved one’s safety while respecting their autonomy can be a costly and emotional process.

I have a friend whose two older twin siblings feel sheepish and inadequate to engage in their mother’s care. As the youngest sibling—and someone with experience working with the elderly—she took it upon herself to put her mother’s end-of-life plans in place, from directives to trusts. She even bought a house nearby to be ready when her mother needs full-time care. Not all of us have the ability to plan so methodically.

In my family’s case, my brother and I found ourselves waiting for the last moments of our mother’s independence to slip away. In October, she was hospitalized—long after she had begun wandering the house at night, sometimes outside alone following an errant sound, worrying her church friends - and us.

Ensuring dignity in aging means balancing independence with support. Though, I am not nearby, I visit my mother every few weeks, and my brother and I split responsibilities. So far, this system works for us. However, for those who must manage everything alone, the following resources can be invaluable.

For those folk looking for help and guidance, know that you are not alone. Forward this post to a friend or loved one for when they might need it one day.

National Elder Care Resources

Alzheimer's Association

• 24/7 Helpline: 800-272-3900

• TTY: 866-403-3073
  This helpline offers round-the-clock support, crisis assistance, and guidance in multiple languages.

Area Agency on Aging (AAA)

• Phone: 800-252-9240
  Provides caregiver support coordination and resources for enhancing caregiver health.

Aging and Disability Resource Centers (ADRCs)

• Phone: 855-937-2372 (855-YES-ADRC)
  A key point of access for long-term care services and supports across the country.

Family Caregiver Alliance

• Phone: 800-445-8106
  Offers education, support, and services for family caregivers.

Alzheimer's Foundation of America (AFA)

• Helpline: 866-232-8484
  Provides educational programs and emotional support for individuals and caregivers.

Local Dementia Day Centers For those in need of daytime care, local dementia day centers can provide respite for caregivers and structured care for loved ones. Check your area for available centers.

These organizations provide critical support, helping families navigate the emotional and logistical challenges of caregiving.

As I look outside, another crisp blue sky stretches overhead. Yesterday’s temperatures hovered in the mid-20s; today, we might reach the high 30s. Snow has come and gone, and my apartment building is bustling as neighbors dig out and get on with their day. A new month has begun, bringing new expectations. Clarity and clearing often come with the dawn, and no matter how overwhelming things may seem, everything will be alright. All right?

Curated Listening:

I love Bonnie Raitt, who talks about these various stages of life and the choices we must make so eloquently in “Nick of Time.” List to it HERE.